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Saturday, March 31, 2007
the boogeyman
Listening to:It's So Nice, Minnie Riperton
Reading:nuthin
Weather:55, overcast
The following is a true story, but the names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Sanford was in a hurry trying to get to the tire shop before they closed that Saturday. He had already been told there would be a long wait for tires at fill-in-the-blankmart, and since he would be heading out Friday for a 10 hour car trip to visit his daughter he wanted to get the tires taken care of now. But, curses, the lights and siren come on behind him, so he pulls over.

"License, registration, and proof of insurance, please." After fumbling in the glove box and his wallet for a few moments, he produces the requested docs and hands them to the scowling pig. Pig walks back to his vehicle, radios, comes back "Step out of the vehicle, sir." OK. WTF? "Do you know how fast you were going?" Why do they always ask this stupid question? What the hell are you going to say, "oh about 40 over the limit, I'm thinkin." Whatever.

So after that brief and inane conversation the pig says "do you have any drugs in the vehicle?" Again, do they really expect you to say "oh hell yes, sir, I just scored a few nice rocks for tonight." No, you donut-chewing idiot, I have no drugs. Then a second member of the boob squad pulls up behind this one, and it's K9. "Are you sure? I'd like to have the dog walk around your vehicle. Have you ever transported large quantities of drugs? If you have the dog will alert, so you better just tell me now." Are you fucking kidding me? No, for shit's sake. "Whoa, that dog looks scary I think I'll step way back from this scene."

So Pig#1 gets the dog out, takes him behind the squad car and whispers some sweet nothings in its ear, then leads the dog around the outside of Sanford's car. No alert. "Well, sir, what is that in the console between your front seats? It looks like marijuana shake."

OMFG, hilarity ensues, at least inside Sanford's head. "Well, honestly it's pretty funny. But it's actually my boogie collection." ? "I just keep them there and every once in a while I gather them up and throw them in the garden for compost. For real." Now oinkoink is even laughing, too. "Well, that's definitely a first."

As Sanford regails me with the tale, my first thought is we call them boogERS where I come from, but I figured it out from the context. Second, what the holy hell, do the oinkers expect people to just confess everything with their witty little questions and dog threats? If so, they need to quit watching so bloody much TV. Sheesh.

Sanford continues, "lucky they that dog didn't check my pocket." Now I'm the one with hilarity in my head.

PS he only got a warning for the speeding.


permalink posted by cat 10:10 AM

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